Pocket Watch Chain

Pocket Watch Chain

Please Critique thoroughly? Golden Pocket Watch.?

Golden Pocket Watch

Chains slither up your arms
like some foreign golden snake.
Till you forget to breathe on cue
and sink into their blackened take

upon living

you thought yourself the charmer
of stocks and shares and snakes
Until you ceased to flute for breath
And they tightened round your waist.

manicured and manacled
You writhe with calm restraint
Forgetting how you love to wrap
yourself in your constraints.

You need your golden pocket watch
24 carats cold.
How you love that chink when checking
The time
When you forgot how watches
like great big, foreign snakes

can swallow lives
up whole

First off I like this poem. You use some literary devices really well "manicured and manacled" - great line. I like the rhyming also, it doesn't sound forced.

I have a few criticisms. The use of the word 'flute' in the second stanza is very awkward. The only use of flute as a verb that I know of or could find is in the sense of making flute like sounds - I don't see how this fits into the poem. In short I think you could choose a better word.

Also, the last stanza + the 2 ending lines is structured poorly. The places where you chose to cut lines seems arbitrary and I don't know why the last two lines are separated since they relate in subject and rhyme scheme to the stanza above.

Overall I think this poem is well written, even though it may have a few kinks to iron out. You should keep writing.

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